I answered the phone and my mom asked me if I was alone. I said yes, although i wasn't sure if my daughter was still home. "It's your brother, he's dead." I'm not sure what i said or what i did. I might have screamed, i know i started crying. I remember my daughter running into the room, i might have said something to her, but i don't know if she understood what i said. I think i called my husband, but i don't remember that either.
My baby brother was dead and i might have died along with him. How could that happen? How did it happen? I was thousands of miles away, and i knew that it would be impossible talking to my parents, not because i couldn't get through to them, but because i couldn't do anything but cry hysterically.
My daughter didn't go to school that morning, at least not until my husband came back home from work. He took over, called to arrange flights to Puerto Rico and called friends to figure out who the kids would stay with.
We were at the airport 12 hours later waiting for the red-eye flight to Puerto Rico. It was one of the longest days I had ever suffered through, and all the while, all i could do was cry.
It's been almost a year and it's been hard. People try to be helpful, but if they haven't gone through this kind of loss, they don't know what to say. Or they say stupid things that they think will help you, but really don't.
Your brother is in heaven now or He's an angel looking out for you - great! How does that help me. I really would rather have him with me. Telling me he is in heaven does not make me feel better, it makes me mad, it makes me angry. Why would god take him away from us? How is that a good thing?
It's all part of God's plan - again, not comforting. See above.
I dreamed with him last night and he's doing fine - this one really hurt. There they are telling me that my brother, or his soul, went to visit them in a dream, and told them he was fine, but he hadn't visited me. I hadn't dreamt of him, why were they better than me? why would he visit them and not me?
I feel your pain, I lost a (dog/cat/pet) not too long ago - Not to take away the pain of losing a pet, because i know that pets become part of the family and is painful to lose them. But please don't try to compare the pain from losing a pet to losing someone who was part of my life for almost 35 years. It does not compare.
He's in a better place now - No, he's not in a better place. He's gone, he's dead and we are left without him. Left to cry and remember how much it hurts that he's not with us.
At least he didn't suffer through a long illness - How is that supposed to make me feel better exactly? He might not have suffered through a long illness, but i'm pretty sure that in that moment right before he died and knew there was nothing he could do about it, that he suffered a great deal. I can't even imagine the fear that he would have gone through.
How are you? or Are you OK? - seriously? is this even something you need to ask? my brother just died, how the hell do you think i am?
Just an FYI, in the future, don't say any of these things. If you find yourself at a loss for words on how to comfort someone, here are some suggestions.
I'm sorry for your loss - yeah it's cliche, but it's short and to the point.
If you need a shoulder to cry on, i'll be there (then give them a hug) - that's all we want to do, cry. We don't want to explain why we are crying. We might not even want to talk about the person we lost, at least not for awhile, but sympathy and human contact go a long way to soothe the soul.
I love you - of course, this is not appropriate for everyone. If it's a family member or a close friend, then ok, otherwise they might look at you weird.
I'm sure there are other ones that i haven't thought of, they'll come to me later.
Also don't bombard the person with phone calls. If they are crying, like i was for a long time, the last thing we want to do is try to talk to someone. Send a text letting them know that you are thinking about them, or if you are brave, show up at their house with some coffee/tea and pastries, or food. The last thing they are thinking about is cooking for themselves, so they might appreciate the gesture.
And whatever you do, do not tell them that things will go back to normal soon. There is no longer any normal. Now all that exists is the time before and the time after. We all have to come to learn to live a new normal, but it's a normal that does not include our loved one.
In this last year, there have been so many times when i've seen something, or read something, or heard something that i thought my brother would laugh about. I've unconsciously picked up the phone to call him only to remember that he's gone. Just like there are mornings that I wake up and i forget that he's dead.
I was looking at the TV and saw a wedding and immediately thought about the fact that my niece will not be walked down the aisle by her dad. Someone else will do it, and all i can do is cry because it should be my brother. He was supposed to be there when it happens. He will miss her first days of school, losing her teeth, birthdays, christmases. He won't be there to see her graduate from High School or College. He won't be there to meet his grandkids and his grandkids will never get to know him.
It's so unfair.
My brother was an addict. He worked really hard to recover, especially after his daughter was born. He had turned his life around. Gone back to school. He was set to graduate just a few months from when he died, with high honors. The scholarship that had covered his school tuition included a guaranteed job for at least 3 years. Things were good. We will never know what happened.
I think that's the worst part, not knowing what happened. My parents saw him on Saturday. He left his daughter at home with my parents and went out to eat with a few friends. He left dinner and stopped by my parents place to drop off some food. On Sunday my parents didn't hear from him, but it wasn't necessarily odd. On Monday morning his daughter's mom went to drop off their daughter at school and found out that they had the day off, or started later, so she called him, left him a message that she was coming to drop her off, and went over to his apartment. She saw his car, knocked on the door and when he didn't answer called my parents.
My dad had keys to the apartment so he came over. The found him Monday morning, March 10th, laying in a pool of blood in the middle of his apartment. There is no way of knowing exactly when he died.
His last post on Facebook was on Saturday, March 8th, 2014. There is nothing after that. His friends that were at dinner with him on Saturday never contacted my parents. They did not go to his funeral, they basically dropped out of sight.
The death reports lists his death as "Unspecified". I suppose that's better than death by overdose. We know he shot up, so whether it was an overdose, a bad batch, or his heart just gave out, all we know is that he's dead. I've tried to talk to my kids about it. I've used his death as an example.
Addiction is genetic, and there are different types of addiction. He started simple, smoking pot. Most people consider that to be a safe drug, but to someone who is predisposed to addiction, it will only be a gateway. They will need more. I tell my kids this because they run the chance of addiction. And as much as i hate to think it, i hope they remember the heartbreak i suffered through, because if i have to suffer it again because of one of them, i'm pretty certain that my heart will stop.
I won't want to deal with the pain and would most likely die from heartbreak.
